“People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.”

“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?”

“The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.”

“I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off ...”

“Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?”

“Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.”

“I seem to have run in a great circle, and met myself again on the starting line.”

“I'm not the kind of faggot who wants to put a rainbow sticker on a machine gun.”

“And isn't love between two people better than hatred, in this world of violence and mourning? There seemed to me a fragile kindness in their love that survived through this poisonous war. Even thou...”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”

“Does God get what God wants?Thats a good question. An interesting question. And its an important question that has given us much to discuss. But theres a better question. One that we actually can a...”

“Nobody fights over the opinion of which book is better. So why do we fight over which religion is better, if they're all based on books? Let us read and learn from them all and unite in our differe...”

“How many races have been dehumanized in the name of evolution and scientific race theories? Is a bomb a religious or a scientific invention?”