“People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.”

“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?”

“I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off ...”

“Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?”

“Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.”

“I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.”

“Jesus Christ, it's like living with Stevie bloody Nicks,' I said, 'only without the cocaine, which would be more fun.”

“There was a thing called Heaven; but all the same they used to drink enormous quantities of alcohol."..."There was a thing called the soul and a thing called immortality."..."But they used to take ...”

“Happiness is my drug of choice.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”

“Not only does the universe have its own laws, all of them indifferent to the contradictory dreams and desires of humanity, and in the formulation of which we contribute not one iota, apart, that is...”

“good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws”

“Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.”