“People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.”

“The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.”

“I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off ...”

“Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?”

“Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.”

“I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.”

“We used to talk and smile seven days ago when I was wearing a suit. Now I'm dressed in a beard and smell of dog shit I dont even get eye contact. I ask her how her week is going, and she looks to h...”

“Homelessness is not the result of not having a house, it's lack of a soul in a body.”

“A litany of headlights blinding her, she stands unsteady on the dotted traffic line, takes timid steps toward rolled up windows behind which any horror could crouch....”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”

“My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.”

“Just like real sex, the touching was good, but there came a point in time when a woman needed to be filled - deeply.”

“Private moments held not a candle to coitus, not even the expensive kind of candle that made the whole room smell of far off seasons.”