Quotes by Spike Milligan

“(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".”

“Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.”

“Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee.What kind of pencil shall I use?2B or not 2B?”

“A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush”

“My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.”

“On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!A...”

“After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it”

“The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.”

“R.I.P.Tom Conlon O'Rourke.Not Dead, just Sleeping.”

“With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.”

“Busty Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. R...”

“Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, Does an...”

“...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Robe...”

“Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thou...”

“Author? Author? Did you write these legs?''Yes."'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.”

“Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

“The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Risin...”

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.”

“Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.”

“And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”