11 quotes found
“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.”
“I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.”
“I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.”
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little lik...”
“TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe...”
“I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they dont like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up ...”
“People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? Theyre pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the phar...”
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.”
“Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on ...”
“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing t...”
“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the ...”
