“The devil is an optimist if he thinks he can make people worse than they are.”

“How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print.”

“War: first, one hopes to win; then one expects the enemy to lose; then, one is satisfied that he too is suffering; in the end, one is surprised that everyone has lost.”

“A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful.”

“Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.”

“A writer is someone who can make a riddle out of an answer.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you...”

“Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.”