“You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,”

“I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.”

“I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, 'brand,' and it's like, 'All right, if that's the way you want to look at yourself.' Diet Pepsi's a brand; you're a human being.”

“When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies ...”

“When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.”

“Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.”