Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

“You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,”

“I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.”

“I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, 'brand,' and it's like, 'All right, if that's the way you want to look at yourself.' Diet Pepsi's a brand; you're a human being.”

“When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies ...”

“When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.”

“Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.”

“As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger.”

“I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.”

“Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.”

“I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.”

“If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike...”

“Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.”

“I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.”

“I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.”

“Growing up my dad was like Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'... I'm like That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifia...”

“When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.”

“When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.”

“Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, Will you touch my vagina...? and she's like, What!? and I'm like, That's what you're supposed to say.”

“Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk I'll take it!”

“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”