“Sometimes a strikeout means that the sluggers girlfriend just ran off with the UPS driver. Sometimes a muffed ground ball means that the shortstops baby daughter has a pain in her head that wont go...”

“Youre not going to always hit a home run in life. Youre going to strike out! Youre going to walk to the dugout of life, frustrated, while spectators chirp your name in judgment. Theyre afraid to ev...”

“He has the body of a professional athlete, chiseled to perfection in all the right places.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“Be wary of strong drink, it can make you shoot at the tax collector...and miss.”

“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”