“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

“Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.”

“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”

“Stand up for what is right even if it means standing alone.”

“Stand up for what is just against the unjust.”

“Many people see themselves as a rose, when all they are is just a prick.”

“The time to hesitate is through.”

“A little credulity helps one on through life very smoothly.”