“To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste........ well played.”

“Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out.”

“I'm the biggest critic of my own work, but sometimes you nail a chapter so good that you have to take a step back and admire that bitch.”

“The best writers tend to look the roughest in photos. At least that's the excuse I use for why I look so bad in mine.”

“Anyone who says "Trust me" is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.”

“Just been poisoned by my gran. Nothing says Christmas better than familicide and anaphylactic shock.”

“...I do come home at Christmas. We all do, or we all should. We all come home, or ought to come home, for a short holiday - the longer, the better - from the great boarding-school, where we are for...”

“He went to the church, and walked about the streets, and watched the people hurrying to and for, and patted the children on the head, and questioned beggars, and looked down into the kitchens of ho...”

“The Christmas presents once opened are Not So Much Fun as they were while we were in the process of examining, lifting, shaking, thinking about, and opening them. Three hundred sixty-five days late...”