Im mean? Thats the worst you can throw at me?Mean and self-pitying. Does that make it better?And what are you, Astrid? he shouted. A smug know-it-all! You point your finger at me and say, Hey, Sam, you make the decisions, and you take all the heat.Oh, its my fault? No way. I didnt anoint you.Yeah, you did, Astrid. You guilted me into it. You think I dont know what youre all about? You used me to protect Little Pete. You use me to get your way. You manipulate me anytime you feel like it.You really are a jerk, you know that?No, Im not a jerk, Astrid. You know what I am? Im the guy getting people killed, Sam said quietly.Then, My head is exploding from it. I cant get my brain around it. I cant do this. I cant be that guy, Astrid, Im a kid, I should be studying algebra or whatever. I should be hanging out. I should be watching TV.His voice rose, higher and louder till he was screaming. What do you want from me? Im not Little Petes father. Im not everybodys father. Do you ever stop to think what people are asking me to do? You know what they want me to do? Do you? They want me to kill my brother so the lights will come back on. They want me to kill kids! Kill Drake. Kill Diana. Get our own kids killed.Thats what they ask. Why not, Sam? Why arent you doing what you have to do, Sam? Tell kids to get eaten alive by zekes, Sam. Tell Edilio to dig some more holes in the square, Sam.He had gone from yelling to sobbing. Im fifteen years old. Im fifteen.He sat down hard on the edge of the bed. Oh, my God, Astrid. Its in my head, all these things. I cant get rid of them. Its like some filthy animal inside my head and I will never, ever, ever get rid of it. It makes me feel so bad. Its disgusting. I want to throw up. I want to die. I want someone to shoot me in the head so I dont have to think about everything.Astrid was beside him, and her arms were around him. He was ashamed, but he couldnt stop the tears. He was sobbing like he had when he was a little kid, like when he had a nightmare. Out of control. Sobbing.Gradually the spasms slowed. Then stopped. His breathing went from ragged to regular.Im really glad the lights werent on, Sam said. Bad enough you had to hear it.Im falling apart, he said.Astrid gave no answer, just held him close. And after what felt like a very long time, Sam moved away from her, gently putting distance between them again.Listen. You wont ever tell anyoneNo. But, SamPlease dont tell me its okay, Sam said. Dont be nice to me anymore. Dont even tell me you love me. Im about a millimeter from falling apart again.Okay.
astrid-ellison comfort decisions emotional falling-apart fifteen kill manipulate mean sam-temple sob stressed understand

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About Michael Grant, Hunger

Michael Grant, Hunger.

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