“There is no such thing as a normal family so don't trip off it, just deal with it.”

“Dog's just want to sniff an ass and eat some food.”

“If you believe that I'm a cop killer, you believe David Bowie is an astronaut.”

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.”

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

“Hard work should be rewarded by good food.”

“God, don't they teach you how to spell these days?""No," I answer. "They teach us to use spell-check.”

“Standing in the shower, I feel something on the back of my leg that turns out to be my ass.”

“Standing in the shower, I feel something on the back of my leg that turns out to be my ass.”