But its tempting to be Cool Girl. For someone like me, who likes to win, its tempting to want to be the girl every guy wants. When I met Nick, I knew immediately that was what he wanted, and for him, I guess I was willing to try. I will accept my portion of blame. The thing is, I was crazy about him at first. I found him perversely exotic, a good ole Missouri boy. He was so damn nice to be around. He teased things out in me that I didnt know existed: a lightness, a humor, an ease. It was as if he hollowed me out and filled me with feathers. He helped me be Cool Girl I couldnt have been Cool Girl with anyone else. I wouldnt have wanted to. I cant say I didnt enjoy some of it: I ate a MoonPie, I walked barefoot, I stopped worrying. I watched dumb movies and ate chemically laced foods. I didnt think past the first step of anything, that was the key. I drank a Coke and didnt worry about how to recycle the can or about the acid puddling in my belly, acid so powerful it could strip clean a penny. We went to a dumb movie and I didnt worry about the offensive sexism or the lack of minorities in meaningful roles. I didnt even worry whether the movie made sense. I didnt worry about anything that came next. Nothing had consequence, I was living in the moment, and I could feel myself getting shallower and dumber. But also happy.