“If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car”

“Of course I love cooking Eastern European food because I'm a Jew, but I also love making roast chicken. I love making Hungarian goulash. There are a lot of egg noodles in my cooking.”

“I would love to get married, first of all, from my children's perspective. People don't think of children when they think of gay marriage, but I do have children, and for them to see their family v...”

“Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'”

“I love the vulgar. I kind of have the humor of a 17-year-old boy.”

“I am the perfect version of me.”

“But if you tame me, then weshall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, Ishall be unique in all the world.”

“I don't want the world to keep turning without me on it.”

“Everything is meant for something in this life”

“Guilt is motherfucker,... it takes everything motivation, aspiration and soul. (Kill Game 2015)”

“Dad?" Jesus asked."Yes, son?" God replied."Do we look like man or does he look like us?" Jesus asked."Man made god in his image," God said."Why?" Jesus asked."Because it's easier to believe in some...”