“People believe unbelievable things because it's self-flattering to think that you are intellectually daring enough to accept what others find preposterous.”

“That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.”

“The tradition of putting candles on Christmas trees actually began in Germany. The person who came up with the idea is thought to have been Martin Luther, father of the Reformation.”

“I love Washington. I have an affection for the place. For a satirist, I think it's sort of Disneyland. I mean, you know, there's always some inspiration in the morning's headlines.”

“I live on a train. I know - what a sad thing to admit. I am the New-Age Willy Loman. But there it is.”

“You can't tell what's aboard a container ship. We carried every kind of cargo, all of it on view: a police car, penicillin, Johnnie Walker Red, toilets, handguns, lumber, Ping-Pong balls, and IBM d...”

“Colors are what trick the mind and our imaginations into buying things.”

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”

“Money can only be used to buy man-made goods.”

“If you can pick the baby up without him squirting our of your hands like a bar of soap in the shower, he's not oiled up enough.”

“The oil companies regard nuclear power as their rival, who will reduce their profits, so they put out a lot of disinformation about nuclear power.”

“We aren't addicted to oil, but our cars are.”

“I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him.”

“Holy wisdom confounds Satan and all his wickednesses.”

“We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.”