“When I say 'friends,' I use that term loosely, as I don't actually have any.”

“I recently forced myself to read a book on quantum physics, just to try and learn something new. I was confused by the middle of the first sentence and it all went downhill from there. The only thi...”

“You can write a little and can draw a little, but there's necessarily a limitation on both in a comic strip, since it appears in such a tiny space.”

“You can't just count on becoming a syndicated cartoonist. I actually tried to calculate the odds once, and the best I could come up with is a 1-in-36,000 chance. And the odds of getting hit by ligh...”

“When I was at the University of California at Berkeley, I went to some classes that must have had more than four hundred students in them. I almost always sat in the far back of the auditorium so I...”

“If somebody is not on the same page with me humor wise, I can't give them that.”

“If you want a happy ending, it just depends on where you close the book!”

“I'll never wake up in a good mood again.I'm tired of these stinky boots”

“Where's the man that could ease a heart like a satin gown?”

“Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance.”