“And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”

“Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.”

“The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.”

“Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction....”

“Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.”

“Money changes people. This process is more commonly known as trading.”

“To my fellow authors heed these words with much importance, " It is redundant for a true writer to sell their soul for literary fame, since the soul is a writer's inner voice...”

“There is always room in my life for a unicorn.(i.e. fantasy)”