“Often you dont know whether youre the hero of a romantic comedy or the villain on a Lifetime special until the restraining order arrives.”

“Society doesn't officially recognize friendship as an institution in the way it recognizes sexual relationships, so there's no real protocol for ending one. If you've been going out, dating, or jus...”

“When you're a child, your best friend in the world is the kid who lives next door. It doesn't occur to you then that this is a matter of arbitrary circumstance. When you grow up you like to imagine...”

“The truth is, there are not two kinds of people. Theres only one: the kind that loves to divide up into gangs who hate each others guts. Both conservatives and liberals agree among themselves, on t...”

“This is one reason people need to believe in Godbecause we want someone to know us, truly, all the way through, even the worst of us.”

“I wish I could recommend the experience of not being killed to everyone.”

“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don't have a brain.”

“If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.”

“Theres no way you can kill someone and get to the other side of the experience unchanged.”

“Why do we electrocute men for murdering an individual and then pin a purple heart on them for mass slaughter of someone arbitrarily labeled enemy?”

“He had also learned that there is no use murdering people; there are always so many left, and if you tried to murder them all you would never get anything else done.”