Quotes by Dane Cook

“I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive”

“I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed a...”

“I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.”

“My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. ...”

“My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'”

“Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.”

“My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.”

“My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.”

“Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin' 80?!”

“I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck tha...”

“Next time you're at the airport, right, this is fun to do. You're at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for their flight, okay. They're sitting there, reading the paper, whatever, just chill...”

“All you need for this is a pair of gloves. Just take your gloves, right, and go down to the bank. Get in line behind all the people at the bank. And give the person in front of you a nudge, just a ...”

“I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.”

“So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that you've hung out with th...”

“When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... (sigh) I wasn't invited to ...”

“Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'...”

“I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my...”

“You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say? She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home.”

“I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the Death Star. I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.”

“When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions? They give you the directions and the entire time driving you're just cutting down their directions. You're like thi...”