Quotes by Adam Carolla

“My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of 'if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to...”

“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or an...”

“You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.”

“When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, ev...”

“In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a ham...”

“Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.”

“I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.”

“Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.”

“If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?”

“It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.”

“My first car was a motorcycle.”

“You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.”

“If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.”

“The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sit...”

“The constant ingestion of fear about shit that will never happen is ruining our society.”

“Once you become a famous famous celebrity, like me, and people start writing about you in the press, you'll notice just how incompetent reporters are. [...] Everyone should have a reporter follow t...”

“RoboCop had less technology on him than your average cop does today. And there are guys jousting at medieval times wearing less armor. But the more we focus on them being racist, the less we focus ...”

“How about we stop with the stories about how it's open season on black people for racist white cops and talk about the real thing killing young black men? Other young black men. No? Well, that woul...”

“I have a simple policy: If the combined age of the two people feuding is over 100, they should move on.”