And in this moment of pale dawn in the hours before we leave California, I finally realize what has been the hardest thing for me about Matts death. It isnt that I lost a brother, like Frankie, or a son, like Aunt Jayne and Uncle Red. The hardest thing is that Ill never know exactly what I lost, how much it should hurt, how long I should keep thinking about him. He took that mystery with him when he died, and a hundred thousand one-sided letters in my journal wouldnt have brought me any closer to the truth than I was the night I pressed my fingers to the sea glass he wore around his neck and kissed him back. For over a year, the letters were my only connection to him; the only evidence that I didnt imagine our brief time as other. When I first saw my journal helplessly floating on the waves, I felt a loss so immediate and overwhelming it was like being back in the hospital lobby when the doctor told us they couldnt fix him. One minute, the journal was in my hands, soft and familiar and real; the next minute, it was gone. Just like Matt. And just like Matt, I need to let it go.
About This Quote
About Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer
Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer.
Themes
- Death — Contemplations on mortality, loss, and the legacy we leave