I hate him. She repeats it louder. I hate him! She shouts it at the sky, even though its hard to shout lying down: I! Hate! Luke! Willis!Rachel asks, But what did he do?Hallelujah can hear Jonah waiting for her answer. She knows hes waiting because hes stopped making fire-building noises. Hes silent. Completely.She takes a deep breath. He told a lie about me. Actually, a lot of lies. And people believed him. The grown-ups, because hes the preachers son and hed never do something bad. And everyone our agebecause hes popular and you dont question the popular guy, because if you do, youll stop being popular yourself. Or youll never get the chance. And because of what he said, my parents stopped trusting me. I lost friends. I was just this loser whoShe breaks off. Now shes talking to Jonah. Even though hes behind her and she cant see him. It doesnt matter what you saw that night, or what he told you happened. Luke treated me like I was nothing, and you let him do it.Jonah doesnt answer.But thats not what makes me the maddest, Hallelujah continues, pushing up to sit. What makes me the maddest is that I let it happen too. I didnt stand up for myself. And when someone did tell me to stand up for myself, I got so madSarah. She feels the emotion of their argument wash over her, fresh.I pushed her away. I told her she didnt understand anything. But she was right. I became this girl who wouldnt stand up for herself. The quiet girl. The nothing girl. I just wanted it all to stop, but from the outside, without me having to make it stop. And I wanted to get away, but I figured, hey, college will get here eventually and then Ill be away, I just have to get there, and all the while Im miserable, and Im letting you guys make me miserable, letting you make me think Im supposed to be miserable, that Im supposed to be quiet, and Im shutting people out, people who maybe actually care, and I hate myself for it. An abrupt stop. The train of thought hits a wall.Shes never said that before. Never thought it before. Not consciously.But she knows, deeper than shes ever known anything, that its true.Hallelujah has spent six months hating herself for being weak and silent and for letting bad things happen and for not fighting.
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About Kathryn Holmes
Kathryn Holmes.